Well here i am again, after a long time apart, i have returned. 

Today sucked, as usual.  But everyday sucks when you just sit around doing nothing all day and your boyfriend lives 200 miles away so you can never see him, let alone does he have time to call you.

Uhg.  I'm gettin gso sick of my job.  I only get paid 7.25 and hour and some girl that does less than me, and has work there less time then i have AND goes to school (which means they're suppose to get paid minimum wage, or at least thats what i was informed of when i got the job)  gets paid MORE than i do.  Its so f-ing lame.  I'm just really pissed off today because my life sucks.  But doesnt everyone's?  Seems as if thats all everyone complains about is how much their life sucks.  I admit that it doesnt suck as bad as some peoples, obviously.  But it still sucks ass and i wish i could trade it in for a new one.  None of my friends talk to me anymore and my boyfriend lives far away so it costs a fortune to talk to him.  Plus when it's free (i.e. the weekends) He's never home, when here i am telling my friends i cant go out with them because i want to talk to him (the only thing i have since i never see him).

Uhg.  I hate everything right now.  I just want to crawl in a hole and scream so loud i kill myself.  I explode from the loud piercing noise.  Uhg.  I feel unappreciated and unloved by everyone and everything.  The only thing that seems to give a rats ass about me is my cat who wont leave me alone.  Being home is the worst feeling in the world.  I'm so lonely i feel like killing myself.  Not literaly, but just to have something, anything, to do.  Then maybe someone would pay attention to me. If i died maybe someone would notice me.

I was just online to find my boyfriend there, and tried to talk to him but of course he changed his name and doesnt reply to me.  I know he's probably busy, but it just added to my shit bomb of a day.  Maybe i should stop caring about him so much because then i wouldnt revolve my whole world around him anymore and i wont get so damn sad if he doesnt call me.  Or cry almost everynight because i miss him so much and need to talk to him.  Because that's obviously not happening on the other end, so why should i put in all this effort and give up all these things in my life when i'm getting nothing in return?  I feel used and taken for granted.  So it starts today.  I'm just going to stop caring so much.  Or try at least.  Then maybe i wont be in such pain.  And i'll just be more lonely.  Hurray.  I know no matter how hard i try, i'll never stop caring this much for him and it'll only get worse.  I'll only care more.  Which means if i dont get to talk to him it'll only hurt more.  What a wonderful thing to look forward to.  Why do i feel this way when he so obviously doesnt?  Or if he does i'm far too clueless to notice. 

I realized today that being lonely is the worst feeling in the world.  When you're so alone that there's no one to talk to and no one even wants to talk to you so you just sit there.  You've watched all the shows and the reruns, you've read all the books, you've heard all the songs on the radio, played all the games 3 or more times and done everything you could possibly do to forget how utterly lonely you are including write in your online journal to the 0 people who read it.  But i guess that's life when if someone asked you who your friends are you'd actually have to think about it.  I feel like if i disappeared, no one would even give a shit.  If i just went away to some far off country forever and didnt tell anyone i was leaving, everyone would just be like "Oh well whatever" or "who was that girl?" or not even say a word.

I'm going to go find someway to pass the agonizing minutes until someone saves me from my solitude.  Sorry for the depressing entry.

Currently Playing Pressure Chief By Cake see related

Ok it's been forever since i've written.  Sorry about that, i've just been busy with everything else that's been going on.  I dont know if i'll get into the whole my best friend hating me deal, but maybe i will sometime later.  Lets just get on with what's happening now instead of what happened in the last 2 months. 

Ok so next month is Valentines, and i want more than anything for shane to come to my house.  We're planning on going out to dinner that night and getting all dressed up and everything.  I already got my dress, it's black and a halter style, with a really low neck line and a ring of jewels in the middle.  Its really really really pretty and it fits great.  (what's really awesome is i have shoes that match already so i dont have to buy any!)  I cant wait, i'm so very excited.  I've never actually gotten to celebrate Valentines Day.  I never really had anyone who cared about me enough to actually want to celebrate.  Also, in febuary we have our 6 month anniversary on the 11th.  (The day he's going to get to my house) (I hope i hope i hope!!!)  So it's too perfect.  I just really hope i can go to his house instead of me going there because i want to sleep with him and be alone with him and its hard to when we're at his house.

So that's what my plans are.  I turned in a day off request for that week back in december so i dont have to go to work while he's there... oh i'm so excited.  I hope so much he can come.  I'm so scared something will go wrong like it always does.  *sigh*  I just really hope for once things go the way i want them to. :(

So the week of the 6th is going to be soooo busy!  I get paid on the 4th, then i have to get my hair done on the 6th, then after i get my hair done shiloh wanted to go tanning that day so i said i'd go too (we've never been before)  And then sometime that week i'm going to get me nails done too :)  And then i'll see shane and hopefully make is jaw drop cause i'll look so pretty.  I hope so much.  I want him to just grab me and kiss me and tell me i'm so beautiful... *sigh* 

Today was pretty uneventful.  It was a day off so i slept in til 1:00 and that was really nice. :)  Last night i felt really bad and couldnt get to sleep for a while, so it was nice to be able to sleep in.  So today i cleaned my room a little and looked in the classified section for cars.  I didnt find much but a found a nice eclipse online.  Then Shane went to his friend gene's house so i've just got to talk to him online and i dont like when he's at friends houses, and i dont know why.  I just get in a mood.  I dont know why.  But oh well, i get to talk to him at 9 still i guess.  And tomorrow he said he'll talk to me all day (when i get home anyway)  So i hope he still is going to, cause i was excited. 

Well i have to go, cause this entry is getting pretty long and i cant think of anything else to say

CUTE MOMENT OF THE DAY:  Shane wrote me an email today and he also wrote me a poem and a letter.  He hasnt written me poems in so long, and i missed it so much, so i'm really happy.  I love him so much, he's so sweet to me. :)

Geeze its been a while since i've written!

Well all ended up working out and Shane came to my house for thanksgiving.  It was the best time ever :)  We got to sleep together (by that i dont mean have sex..... allthough there was plenty of that)  and watch tv together and basically do everything together.  It was the best few days ever.  I forgot how incredibly handsome he is and how sweet he is.  I missed him so much.  I think i fell even more in love with him, if that's possible.

He also met both my brothers, and that was awesome because he's the first boyfriend that ever has.  But then again i think he's the first boyfriend i've ever truely loved.  I've never felt this way before....  We have so much in common.  I've never been with someone and only had eyes for them.  I've always looked around for something better.  But with Shane... he's like.. perfection.  I dont want anything more.  He's my everything.  We're so compatible.  I never want to lose him

He bought me a necklace too and i wear it like everyday cause it reminds me of him. :)  I love him so much.

CUTE MOMENT OF THE DAY:  There's to many to mention from the past days but one that's the cutest is whenever i say "I want to marry you" he goes "you will" :)  God i love him so much.  I hope he never leaves... I want to be with him forevers. :)

Currently Playing Fashion Nugget By Cake I will survive see related

Hey there everyone

I'm going to make this entry real short.  I've been really depressed since last night.  Shane called and told me he cant come at Thanksgiving.  It happens every single time.  He says he's coming, then something happens and he cant.  Every single time.  It makes me so sad.  I cried for a really long time, then couldnt sleep last night cause i was so incredibly sad.  Then today he called me at around 6pm and told me that he's going somewhere at 3am tomorrow so he couldnt talk to me on the phone.  So, i just get hurt again.  So now i'm sitting here in my room, alone.  No one online to talk to, and i'm forced to write in this journal how depressed i am.  Shane said that he'd still try to convince his mom to let him come.  But i doubt she will.  I dont want to get my hopes up again and then have her say no YET AGAIN.  After all the plans are made, after i have in my mind that its happening, and then "oh no just kidding."  Do you know how heart wrenching that is?  It's happened like 10 times now.  I'm really sick of it and i cant stand this.  I just want to see my boyfriend.  Is that too much to ask?  He's going to be gone at christmas and i probably wont see him until febuary if i dont see him now.  And Shi shi FINALLY says yes for once to come get him, and HE CANT COME.  GOD  I dont know whether i'm pissed off or sad.  I think i'm just so incredibly depressed that i'm both in one.  I cant talk to him, and i cant see him.  Fabulous.  Seriously.  This is the best week of my life.  I'm so happy i could scream.  Sarcasm overload...  Time to go.  I'm going to go watch tv and wish i was dead.  Sounds like a fun time.